Monday, January 24, 2011

Odd behavior

--- hasn't been seen in my area now. No accounts of missing kids. I have a friend who works at the hospital in pediatrics who says that cases of 'emotional distress' are down to regular national levels (Which are still too damn high in my opinion. But that's a topic better explored by psychologists and cynical comedians.)

It's not my presence. It didn't change like this back when the 'Fighters' were at their peak. Something else is happening. I'll look into this. See what else is out there.

I black out regularly now. Lost time is common. Mostly at work. Has part of me 'become' my job? We're wandering back into Sarte nonsense.

I'm not going to let them beat me. Not ---, not redlight, not even whatever insanity bubbles up in my own mind.

They want me around? Fine. They want to break me again and again? Fine. They're ignoring the fact that I'm going to get back up again and again.

I lost my mind trying to see the big picture. Trying to sweep it all away in one grand gesture. It almost worked, and I did fall.

Now, it's just the small stuff. Every kid I force --- away from is one more kid safe for one more day. Every theory I come up with is one more theory closer. Every day I'm still alive, sane or not, is another day I can tell --- to go shove it up his ass.

Tomorrow, I may end up on the floor of my kitchen, weeping and hallucinating...but the next day I may be back up, trying something involving slinkys and Christian rock.

You're not supposed to think about White Elephants to make the carpet fly. Doesn't mean I can't tie redlight to the carpet and throw it off a balcony.

Okay, losing it a little...but you all know what I mean.